Are you a partner
Tired of arguing with your partner all the time?
Last update: February 24, 2021
Disagreements and disputes are inevitable in a partnership. Still, that fact doesn't make them any less uncomfortable. Even more so if the reasons for the disputes with your partner are the same over and over again. A very tiring and exhausting situation, isn't it? Are you tired of it again and again with your partner to argue about the same topics? Then you should definitely read on!
The good news is that it is possible to come to an agreement on recurring problems. But to do this, you must first identify the cause of the problem. In addition, it could be that it is not a specific topic, but rather a discussion of principles. In this case you have to take a different approach, as there are usually other reasons behind it, like for example a power struggle.
"While communication is the most important element in a relationship, disputes can be the most destructive element."
– Quote from Men are different. Women too. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus from John Gray -
A relationship model based on relational disagreement or discord
One of the main reasons couples keep fighting is because they learned it from their parents. You haven't learned how to deal with conflict. Over time, they have also adopted various strategies to keep the disputes going. One of these strategies is to make the same arguments over and over and simply repeat them in other words. This gives the impression that new information is constantly being brought into the dispute.
As you can see, many people imitate their parents. In reality it is often about proclaiming the superiority of one's own position. The goal is not to understand each other's perspectives in order to compromise and restore harmony.
This means, many couples argue because they have assimilated a model based on relational discord. This model contradicts the idea that it is possible to negotiate and resolve a conflict productively. At its core there is a very clear message: argument in relationships is unforgiving.
The only way out is to intimidate the other person more than they intimidated you. As a result, the argument will not end until both parties are tired and desperate enough to end the argument out of sheer exhaustion. Without even knowing what the original reason for the argument was.
Find out why you are arguing with your partner
If you want to resolve this situation, the first thing you need to do is identify the construct that is causing the arguments with your partner to persist. Are the same arguments put forward over and over again? Are these discussions similar to those of your parents? Do you really know why you argue in the first place? And do these disputes always revolve around the same issues and demands? Do you (or your partner) automatically react like a feather to certain situations and then start an argument without thinking about it?
You should also think about how healthy your parents' relationship was. Did they have a good partnership and were they happy as a couple, or did they have ongoing arguments and arguments? If you don't wanna end up like her you should start by dealing with disagreements you have with your partner in a different way.
It is entirely possible to live with your partner without arguing all day. Indeed, you can end up disagreements in an agreement rather than a truce that lasts only until both sides have recovered and then continues to argue once they have recovered enough energy.
As you strive for this state, you should begin to behave as if this peaceful coexistence is possible. So, first of all, you have to stop reacting automatically to certain things. In addition, you have to reprogram your reactions to certain triggers (triggering stimuli that you have to identify). In this sense you need to develop an attitude that says that most of the differences in your partnership can be bridged.
"It's not what we say that hurts, it's the way we say it."
– Quote from Men are different. Women too. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus John Gray -
Protecting yourself when you feel vulnerable in an argument with your partner
Getting angry at someone is a way to protect yourself, especially if you feel attacked and vulnerable. This leads to you attacking the other and trying to win the fight just so as not to endanger yourself.
Furthermore we are far too often dependent on the opinion of our partner. So if he questions your competence, your intelligence or anything else, you feel that your self-esteem is severely threatened. In short, you feel vulnerable and vulnerable. Therefore, you feel the need to defend yourself because it makes you feel safe.
Self-defense and self-affirmation
But if you defend yourself this way this usually leads to you targeting the other person's weaknesses. You blame him for your problems and ignore the harmful effects your words could have. What previously felt like fear or weakness could now appear to you like power and strength due to the adrenaline that is poured out. The result? Reinforcing a toxic attitude.
When you are about to explode with anger, you forget to even listen to your partner. Remember that you are trying to "defend yourself". The solution is to learn to value your own ego and strengthen it without hurting another person. In addition, you have to find your own path to your growth and unconditionally accept yourself with all your weaknesses and inadequacies.
Self-love, empathy and understanding
Often people argue with their partner about their own problems, which the partner merely reflects to them. But if you can accept yourself and be generous, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving with yourself, you will be able to treat your partner the same way.
Furthermore The solution also includes looking for other perspectives with empathy and understanding. It's about recognizing and understanding your partner's position, even if it is different from your own point of view. This will help you contain your anger and keep control of yourself.
“I remembered the thousands of horrific things we had been through and let solidarity regain its strength. What a waste it would be, I told myself, to ruin our history by leaving too much room for sick feelings: sick feelings are inevitable, but the essential thing is to keep them in check. "
- Quote from The story of the lost child by Elena Ferrante -
Eternal argument with your partner: There are differences that cannot be bridged
When it comes to arguments in a relationship, some issues are inherently or ideologically simply unsolvable. You can adapt to these intractable discrepancies or give in to them, but that still doesn't make them compatible.
Even though you know that there are differences between you and your partner, you irrationally feel threatened by them. In fact, when you argue with your partner for ideological or personal reasons, it is usually a form of self-affirmation. It is a way to rebel against the feeling of alienation that creates these differences in you.
Regardless, the solution is to identify these problem areas and simply exclude them from the conversation. Try to appreciate and respect unchanging differences. Focus on the points where you can make arrangements with your partner without feeling that your partner's beliefs pose a threat to your own.You might be interested in ...
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