What makes a narcissist lovable at times?

Love: is my partner a narcissist?

75 percent of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are male; in general, men are more prone to narcissistic traits than women. This can be traced back to gender roles, among other things: Men try more often to impress or to gain the upper hand. The assumption is that this is also reflected in the dynamics of same-sex relationships with a narcissistic partner. But so far there have been no studies on whether narcissism has different effects in homosexual and heterosexual relationships.

Partners as trophies

But who is the right fit for a narcissistic person? For example, what does Melania think of Donald Trump? "Equal and equal like to join" - this popular saying is confirmed by a recent study by Michael Grosz, Mitja Back and colleagues. In two surveys with a total of more than 1500 test persons, people who fell in love felt particularly attracted to one another. "If both partners are highly narcissistic and shine with their ego and their successes, that can inspire each other," explains Back. Two narcissists often formed a kind of model couple; both are a kind of trophy for one another.

But even if one is less narcissistic, the togetherness can continue. Back suspects: »Narcissistic people can be very successful in certain areas, for example at work. Of course, this brings with it resources such as money and status for the partner. For some, this is enough to compensate, «says the personality psychologist.

"Insecure people can definitely feel comfortable at the side of a narcissist, because he takes a lot from them."
(Aline Vater, PhD psychologist and psychotherapist)

On the other hand, there is the assumption that self-insecure people in particular feel attracted to narcissistic people, that is, opposites attract. "Insecure people can feel comfortable at the side of a narcissist, because he takes a lot from them, is dominant and makes decisions that are difficult for insecure people," says psychotherapist Aline Vater. She has a PhD on narcissism and now treats people with narcissistic personality disorder in her practice. If a partner has professional or financial worries, for example, narcissistic companions are often a great help. "You can then act as a helper, a savior," says father. However, insecure people could become addicted in this way.

Father has also observed that narcissistic people can have lasting relationships. “It also depends on what other skills someone brings with them.” He or she could be very narcissistic and at the same time behave socially competent, for example humorous and compassionate. "Then a partnership can work well at times," says father. The question is also what the non-narcissistic partner needs. "If that is someone who does not attach great importance to good communication, then he or she may not easily notice that the other person is not very empathetic and will get along well with it for a while," says his father.

“Many know about its external impact, but they don't care. From their point of view, they are just like that and something special «
(Mitja Back)

Narcissists themselves rarely seek help. “Many know about its external impact, but they don't care. From their point of view, they are just that and something special, «explains Back. However, Aline Vater also treats patients who truly suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder because they have problems in their work, partnership or other areas of life. “Most of them are not in relationships, or only intermittently. They have great difficulty allowing intimacy, ”she says. Because getting close to each other would also reveal personal weaknesses, and they would absolutely want to prevent that. “It is her greatest fear that blemishes will become visible and the grandiose self-image presented on the outside will falter,” says father.